


You Might Be A Redneck Hobbit If.....

by MrToddWilkins (orphan_account)



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: List, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:08:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27410107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/MrToddWilkins
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	1. Listy McListface

The closest you ever got to Bag End was the All-Shire Monster  
Waggon Pull.  
[You're the THIRD cousin Grandma turned out of the family hole  
for a "fishin' accident".  
You've ever been tossed back by a stone troll.  
You received a spittoon from Bilbo when he went away.  
You comb your toes in the classic "duck's ass" style.  
You get drunk on Saturday nights and beat up elves.  
All the trailers in the trailer park where you live have  
round doors.  
The police come around to your place every time someone lost  
a Ring.  
The barman at the Green Dragon refuses to serve you.  
Trolls avoid you because of your bad breath.  
You are banned from Buckland because you blew the Horn-call  
of Buckland when the baseball team you root for was losing.  
You are always excused as a juryman because all the parties  
involved are your cousins.  
You think it is unrefined to suck your teeth after having  
left table.  
Property values rose where you live when Orcs began to move  
in and replace your kith and kin.  
The Ring refused to speak to you on Mount Doom.  
When you came to Lorien, all the Elves sought the Grey Havens.  
Not even Gaffer Gamgee can work out your family tree.  
You've ever had the hair singed off your feet by one of  
Gandalf's firecrackers.  
You scare off Sharkey's men by playing the banjo at them.  
You use Narya to light your pipe.  
You hunt down Mumak to go with your herbs.  
You've ever smoked vellum in place of pipeweed in a pinch.  
You say to Denethor: "Li'l service, no doubt, will so great a lo'd of  
min reckon t'find in a hobbit, a ha'flin' fum th' no'thern shire; yet sech  
as it is, ah will offer it, in payment of mah debt."  
You can knock out Elves with the fumes from your home-made cider.  
Spiders have learned to fear your kebab sticks.  
Instead of escaping, you joined the Elvenkings butler and captain  
*and* drank them under the table.  
You drank from the Enchanted River but found the taste duller  
than that of your pappy's moonshine.  
Bree folk refer to your clan as "the Overhills".  
The only Elvish word you know is "miruvor".  
The only note you can get out of your Horn is 'Ye-HAA!'  
You stole a palantir because it was even bigger than the stone  
in your aunt's cubic zirconium engagement ring.  
Your local watering hole is the Green Dragon Saloon.  
You have a huge tattoo of Smaug on your bicep.  
Your local Shiriff wants a main street built.  
You have an "I shot the Shiriff" bumper sticker on your waggon.  
You've ever managed to let a mithril shirt RUST.  
You can bivouack quite comfortably in the Midgewater Marshes.  
You use Sam's shears to shave.  
You dynamite the Water for fish.  
You don't bother skinning coneys as it ruins the flavour.


	2. List 2:Electric Boogaloo

You shot Bombadil because he ran around naked on the grass.  
You steal Maggot's mushrooms to make a brew out of them.  
You have a sign saying "GIVE ME LEMBAS UNTIL I'M DEAD" over your bed.  
You never got over your amazement when the Dwarves tossed *you* out of  
Moria.  
You suspect Bill the pony of being a Communist.  
You get tears in your eyes when you hear "Duelling Harps".  
You have a sign on your waggon saying "NUKE THE ENTS"  
You distrust Bill Ferny because of his "fancy accent".  
You think Cerin Amroth would look better with a few garden gnomes.  
You improve miruvor by pouring bourbon into it.  
You think a fried Mūmak's ear with *three* minds of ketchup is the height of  
sophistication.  
You get voted Shirriff because everybody in the township is related to you.  
You want to play golf using Golfimbul's rules.  
You tolerate Gollum because you never shoot another man's dog.  
Your family tree has 57 branches but only eight different names.


	3. How to be a redneck hobbit, again

Your maps and rhune-documents have Miller stains on them.  
The "precious" that was really in your pocket was a confederate flag cigarette  
lighter.  
Your mithril is rusted from your arm pit sweat.  
Your travelling songs that you and your companions sing are about dragons,  
elves and monster truck ralleys.  
Your dwarf friends have tobacco stains in their beards.  
You were kicked out of Tom Bombadil's house for commenting on Goldberry's  
"rack."  
You lost the Ring in in your wifes back hair.  
You drive around in your pick-up truck and beat up Stoors on the weekends.  
The Nazgul refuse to pursue you because they don't like to associate with  
"those kinds of people."  
You broke Gandalf's staff from hitting your wife in the face with it.  
You saw a preview of the WWF Wrestling Championship in Galadriel's mirror.  
You distracted Attercop and his pals by throwing them some SPAM.  
You knocked the Barrow Wight out by hurling your dentures at his face.  
You ask the singing Elves at Rivendell if they know any Merl Haggard.  
You put out cigarette butts in your foot hair.


	4. More signs of a redneck Hobbit

\- You get along really, really well with Beornings.  
\- You weren't afraid to take a barrel down the River Running  
because you and your cousins used to go white water rafting on  
the Brandywine.  
\- You fly the old flag of Arthedain on the back of your waggon.  
\- There's a wain up on cinder blocks in front of your family smial.  
\- Your idea of an "ornamental waistcoat" is any T-shirt without any  
holes in the armpits.  
(gret minds think alike, I see; I hadn't seen your rusting mithril  
shirt yet)

\- You went and got your great-grandfather's watch back from the  
mathom house because it works better than any of the ones you own.  
\- You can describe the difference between fox and thrush... by taste.  
\- You've ever read comic books by the light of an Elvish blade.  
\- You've ever had to pawn one of Bilbo's birthday presents to bail  
one of your relatives out of the Lockholes.  
\- Your bar tab at the Prancing Pony goes back three or more  
generations.

\- At the Hall of Fire in Rivendell, your song is the only one that  
Elves can clearly distiguish from that of other mortals.  
(Merle Haggard, eh?)  
\- An Ent tried to stomp you even AFTER he heard you talking.  
\- You tried to build a moonshine still using some ruined equipment  
at Isengard.  
\- Saruman calls the House of Eorl "a thatched barn where brigands  
drink in the reek, and their brats roll on the floor amid the  
dogs"... and you can't figure out why that's an insult.  
\- You've ever been too drunk to put on the One Ring.

\- The people of Minas Tirith refer to you as /Calimbo i Pheriannath/.  
\- You've ever sat down in a Gondorian restaurant in and ended up  
ordering one of everything because you can't read Sindarin.  
\- You've ever EATEN one of everything in a Gondorian restaurant.  
\- Some Big Folk who've met you sent King Elessar a thank-you note  
for banning them from the Shire.  
\- You mixed a flagon of ent-draught and Galadriel's entire box of  
tree food under the Party Tree and now it's half the size of  
Telperion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Calimbo i Pheriannath - “uncultured Hobbit”


	5. Even more signs of a redneck Hobbit

your "uncle" is actually both your "first and second cousin, once removed   
either way, as the saying is, if you follow me."

... your daddy ever brewed miruvor in a still up in the hills.

... you never trusted those foreign folk, like the citizens of Bywater.

... Bilbo and Frodo's ages actually added up to 145, but they fudged it on the  
invitations so they could cut the guest list by one (you).

... you've ever been so drunk they had to roll you away from the party in  
a wheelbarrow.

... when the old wizard pulls up with a wagon full of packages, you think  
they're  
marked "G" for "grits."

... elves used to wander through your lands on their way between Rivendell  
and the  
Havens. That is, before you took a few shots at them with your shotgun.

... you only like to read books that contain things you already know, like  
the best  
way to prepare stewed 'possum.

... your wagon has a bumper sticker reading "The Southrons will rise again!"

... the Gamgees had a much higher social standing than your family even before  
the War of the Rings.


	6. Chapter 6

\- Your mailbox is shot through with so many holes that the Shire Post  
hobbit just wedges your letters between the crossbow bolts.  
\- Your family's most lucrative trade other than bootlegging whiskey  
is skinning road kill on the road to the East Farthing.  
\- You've used the pin on your elven brooch as a toothpick.  
\- You've ever hogtied a person with elven rope.

\- As a practical joke, your buddy keeps calling you "goblinslayer"  
when you are captured by Uruks.  
\- You've ever used lembas as bait.  
\- You mowed your marriage proposal into the side of Hobbiton Hill.  
\- Your wife chained your pony to a post to keep you from going drinking  
at the Green Dragon, but she forgot about your old pet deer.  
(Apologies to George Jones and Vince Gill)  
\- You've had to ask a wizard to help you open your back door because  
you got home at 2am and locked yourself out.


End file.
